when all hope is lost.
Tuesday, February 20th, 2007All hope is lost! I’m writing this with half-opened eyes. I think I’m ready for bedtime but then again, owh, what the heck. I only got lkm400 class tomorrow, which I’ll skip due to the high level of boringness. I hate that class. Everybody in the class is stiff. Well, not almost everybody, but, yeah, they’re kinda stiff. And the lecturer’s probably going to fail me for her paper. I don’t even care what she thinks of me. I couldn’t care less. I’m not going to waste my life living up to her stupid expectation. I don’t care if she hates me. Who cares? Screw her. So now, I’m going to spend my shitty night tonight, watching 2 romantic-comedy dvds back-to-back, courtesy of my faithful friend. I decided, before I lie on my bed and push the play button, I might as well bitch a bit. I haven’t post anything here for nearly a month now. My life is pretty hectic and chaotic now. I’m no longer in control of my own life. I’m tired. I’m tired of being in control, trying to control every single thing so that it will go on a certain way. I’m tired of fooling around. I’ve wasted half of my semester doing everything else except studying. I can sure you, no books involved. I’m tired of doing nothing. I’m tired of fooling around and flirting with somebody whom I know I will not spend the rest of my life with. Now, after flirting for a month, more or less, I’m bored. I no longer enjoy all of the attentions that he showers me. I hate it. I felt trapped and suffocated. I used to enjoy his company. But now, I no longer experience joy over his affections, I might say, towards me. I’m bored stiff! God, I’m such a jerk. I know, I know. You don’t have to tell me. I know I’m a total bitch. I don’t know why. It’s just the way I am. My dark side has emerged from the dark (pun intended). The last time I dump somebody is a year and a half ago. And now, the situation occurred again. I hate it if people treat me that way. But now, I’m treating an innocent person the way that I actually hated to be treated as. He is so darn nice. And that what makes it harder for me to dump him for no reason at all. Well, it’s not like we’re dating or something. But there’s something about him that I can’t ignore. He doesn’t make me feel special like ***** does. He’s not as great as *****. But he’s there. He’s there when ***** broke my heart into pieces and I loved the attention that he gave me. He has a perfect timing to grab my attention. Gosh. This is so complicated. I don’t know since when I started to fool myself to believe that this might work. I can’t believe I’m fooling myself to believe that I should stop searching for my other-half and just take whatever that has been served in front of me now and be grateful for it. Since when do I satisfy with (just) the status quo? I don’t deserve all this. I deserve much better than this. Owh, I know, I know. I know when does this plague of "take-whatever-in-front-of-you-or-regret-not-taking-any" spread like a virus inside me. Thanks to *****, I felt that my self-esteem has been lowered to the bottom. I felt that I’m not good enough and I just should just be thankful for what I got now. I used to dream a lot. I dream big. But that was before I go out with that rich and f****ng undecisive yuppie. I realized it just now. He lowered my self-esteem. ***** lowered my self-esteem. So, that’s what bugs me this whole semester! Eureka! I finally found the answer to my endless misery. You might say that I’m trying to put the blame on someone else for what I failed in. Come to think again, I strongly believe, he is the main reason, in fact, the sole reason why I turned into an angry and grumpy lady I am today. I now become cynical towards filthy rich people. Whilst I hope ***** choke on his lunch, I’m going to hunt down my high self-esteem and once I found it back, he’ll be choking himself to death. Eat your heart out, yuppie!!
