c h o c o l a t h e a d w e l c o m e s y o u

I was as hungry as a pig. Two spoonfuls of my lunch and something I heard from the table next to me provoked my brain to function again. I turned left to see a hijab clad girl, a Chinese girl and an Indian girl. Sorry, this is not one of those heartwarming multiracial stories. This is about one piece of garment that I have long discarded.

Now, what did I heard from the next table consisting of multiracial BFFs hanging together, eating their lunch? I was about to open up a can of soda when I heard the hijab clad girl saying something similar to this; “Kalau ikut agama, semua orang mesti pakai”. Now at this point I try very hard to follow what the girl was preaching to her non-muslim friends but to no avail. My friend’s piercing voice overpowered and my ear was more likely to catch that annoying, high-pitched voice.

From pieces of the next table conversation that I picked up here and there, I conclude that the Chinese girl had asked the hijab clad girl why there are Muslim girls who do not don the hijab. And that is probably why the statement above was uttered. Their conversation lasted for 10 minutes.

I slap myself for not being able to listen to what that girl has to say about this topic. The topic on hijab always amuses me. It stuns me how people can explain to other people outside of our religion on this particular topic. Because I can’t do that. I can’t explain to people who asked me why I don’t wear a hijab. If people asked me why, I will smile and try hard not to answer it. Unless he or she insists on me answering the question, I am not comfortable in answering a question where I am not totally prepared to answer. Actually, I never prepare an answer if people were to pop the question that I less fond to answer. And usually my answer would be; it’s a matter of choice. I know, I know. It’s not the best answer one can give especially if the person who asked about it is a non-muslim. I always believe that we must give hijab a dignity and answering to why I choose not to don the hijab is very crucial. I don’t want to send the wrong signal and interpretation of Islam to them. But the thing is, I haven’t read up much on hijab nor did I read the excerpts from the holy Quran on the part of covering our aurat. So I am not the best person to talk about hijab and that is probably why I am interested in any topic that involves the aurat and hijab.

Some (uneducated and shallow) people will say that hijab is a form of coercion forced onto women of Islam. Is it true? Do you people who don the hijab felt you are forced into wearing it? Or do you wear it on your own will? I have never asked anyone why they chose to wear or not to wear the hijab. I believe it is not appropriate for me to ask a question that might eventually be thrown back at me. I will never know how to answer. The only thing that I knew is, I myself choose not to wear it and I am pretty much sane and completely sober when I made that decision. It’s not that I have a nice shiny hair to show off to people. I don’t. My hair is as bad as the orang utan’s. (Eh, orang utan where got rambut one?) I don’t really care about my hair. I expose it to the sun daily, I don’t bother to comb it unless somebody said something bad about my hair (The common accusation: I didn’t take my shower before I go to class. It’s my hair-lah! Aku pergi kelas mandi lah gila.), I don’t wear fancy haircare product with a tagprice the amount of my lunch for a month. So why don’t I wear it? I have defied all of the reasons that girls and women typically gave to justify their act of not donning it.

Reading “I Am Muslim” by Dina Zaman a month ago on the topic does not help much either. (I really need a book where I can juice out everything I need to know about hijab and aurat. Suggestions anyone?) The reason she gave for not wearing it, is the same as mine. We believe that the hijab should be given much dignity. No women or girls should do the hijab injustice by not wearing it according to the rules and guidelines that has been set in Islam. You can clearly see in this day and age, the usual tudung clad girls paired the tudung with tight-fitting clothes and low slung jeans where most of the time you can even see the very much fearful: the ugly, no, the VERY ugly butt-crack. I wonder what the fuck were they thinking when they saw their reflection in the mirror before deciding to go out in public in that kind of garb. Fucking stupid-lah wei..

I guess the root problem is in not understanding why you wear it in the first place. Some girls don’t really understand the reason why they are wearing it (Other than the reason that it is required in Islam in which they themselves are not sure which verse it is taken from. Sad.) Some girls wear it because of the fact that she was born a Melayu, and Melayu equals Muslim, and therefore, wearing tudung is unavoidable. The same thing goes with the fact that your parents are Muslims, so you automatically became a Muslim. They never question why they should wear it, what good does it brings, why do they themselves want to wear it. In short, they don’t really understand why they are wearing it. I am not encouraging people to take off their tudung once they finish reading this. The real issue here is there are so many confused girls who wear the tudung for all the wrong reasons. And when the intention to wear it in the first place is not out of sincerity, that’s where we can see cases where tudung-clad girls necking in the wood with irresponsible boys. If a person truly understands why they wear it, I bet my hand on this, they will never have the appetite to let somebody see their butt-crack, let alone wearing a teeny-weeny tee only their 2-years old sister can fit in.

You cynics might say that this whole writing is about me, justifying my act for not wearing a tudung. Yes, I am a sinner. Having said that, I am not proud to be one. But until I discover the true meaning of wearing a hijab, I will continue to let my hair down (pun intended) and continue to ascertain the reason to bundle up my smelly hair in a hijab.

Tiba-tiba semangat ke KL hujung minggu ini luntur sama sekali. Hancur. Tak ada mood langsung. Iya. Aku admit aku ada singgah di blognya sekali-sekala. Especially bila habis semua web kunjungan tetap aku sudah dilawati. Sebulan sebelum White Shoes dijangka turun ke KL aku sudah mengepos satu posting berkenaan event yang bakal ada 5 haribulan akan datang di ruangan blog aku. Sial. Aku tahu dulu! Posting aku jadi bukti, jadi saksi! Jadi aku bukan stalker, okay. At least itu yang aku fikir dia akan fikir.

Sejurus mengetahui dia juga bakal ada di sana, hasrat membuak-buak aku nak ke KL lupus sama sekali. Sebelum masuk tidur selepas penat berdiri sepanjang hari semalam, aku fikir, aku mesti pergi. Aku takkan biar penantian sebulan lebih sikit aku ini jadi sia-sia semata-mata melayan paranoia aku yang mungkin dia pun tidak fikir macam yang aku fikir. Iya. Aku saja yang paranoid. Untuk menyedapkan hati aku yang berantakan sekarang ini, kalimat “Aku saja yang paranoid” itu aku ulang-ulang setiap kali aku terfikirkan rancangan untuk melarikan diri sebaik sahaja nampak kelibat dia di sana nanti. Iya ya? Kenapa aku takut sangat. Aku tak buat salah. Cuma aku tak mahu dia fikir aku seorang budak perempuan berambut besar yang tak habis-habis obses dengan dia. Obses? Aku? Tidaaak!

Eh, saat-saat paranoid ini mengingatkan aku pada teori self-fulfilling prophecy yang pernah aku belajar setahun yang lalu. Iya. Jika aku terus-menerus mengatakan semua ini, teori perkabulan diri akan terjadi. Oh my god Syefa, stop thinking! Tak mengapa. KL tetap akan aku jejak hujung minggu ini demi cinta aku terhadap White Shoes dan (bakal) kasut Keds-ku. I deserve this. Aku perlu momen-momen indah tak terkata bersama White Shoes untuk aku hold on to sepanjang tahun ini. Supaya aku kekal normal.

Nota: Aku tahu kamu tak faham apa yang aku tulis di atas. Aku pun tak faham. Maaflah loyal reader-ku semua. Aku sedang menghadapi hari-hari gelap writer’s block. Entah bila aku akan pulih.

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